I’ll tell you what happens when you go there. Since you’re now strong enough to face it. Even if it’s just desperation that takes you here.

One of the things you learn, when you see how much God Loves you, is the sometimes abysmal failure of those that you have good reason to believe should have done likewise when you were usually so young and vulnerable. When you needed it most.

And seeing their failure in doing so can be absolutely crushing. The kind where you just want to curl up and disappear for a long time. Where your heart feels so shattered that you don’t think you can even move. Where sometimes even getting up to go to the bathroom feels like an impossible feat.

You sit there inundated with all the questions. So many questions.

Trust me, facing them head-on is the way out, the way forward. But in the moment, you’d rather do anything but. Anything but face those piercing revelations.

Maybe not even about what was – as your adaptive skills helped you find a level of comfort needed to navigate and move on from that. But once you start to realize what REAL Love actually is, and more importantly what it could have been for you, and what it is not – oh boy, that’s the real punch. The clean one two to your gut. Knocking you straight off your feet, almost down for the count…

…if God wasn’t 1,000% already in this with and for you. Not you in general, but specifically and personally you – the one reading this right now. I wouldn’t dare speak to your sacred pain otherwise. But since I wholeheartedly believe you are being led to your healing…

He was stripped naked. He was beaten. They made fun of Him mercilessly. They starved Him. They whipped Him. We don’t know if Jesus was raped, but He had sharp thorns forced into his scalp. He knows pain. He watched as those that He worked so hard for rejected and made what appeared to be nothing but a fool out of Him.

Jesus was tempted in those moments of excruciating pain. When almost the whole world was literally against Him. When their sickness had them preferring a criminal to the One who never hurt them. Jesus could have decided that his Father abandoned Him. He could have decided His Father didn’t care about Him. Just left Him out here suffering. After suffering. After suffering.

But that was the whole point.

Yes, He was here in human form for us. But also as us.

At the end of the day, when you cry out, He of all people understands if you’re mad. If you’ve had it.

Because this isn’t just one person. One experience. One year. One decade. No, you’ve been fighting this battle maybe your whole lifetime.

And you’re not stupid. No matter the mental gymnastics you try to do, your heart still says, “But WHY hasn’t God come through for me yet? All this time!”

I’d be remiss to attempt to answer that question for you. This is a dynamic human experience. We have the same parts, but different hearts. And what God speaks to me is my manna. You need your own. That’s the only Way. The only Life. That you have valiantly tried so hard to do without. To trudge forward in the face of so much. On your own. With so little.

You were one of the best. If anyone could have done it, surely you were in the running. Will you obsess over the performances you tried to do that were never needed in God’s “economy”? Will you keep climbing back up on crucifixes? Determined to barter all your effort in exchange for avoiding exposure? Even just between you and God?

This goes back to the beginning. Where if your parents were healed then we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. You would be off living Life. Too happy to give my words any mind.

And that really sucks. The sadness. The anger. The rage. The longing. The feeling of being light years behind. Wondering if there’s any point. If the work is worth it this late in the game. When the thought of starting over is exhausting.

You don’t need me. Your heart needs bigger answers than I can give. But this is an invitation. Look how far you are. It’s overwhelming if you insist on trying to work your way back on your own. Alone.

Cry out. That’s my advice. With all that you are able to bring. Cry out.

I am fully confident that you are thoroughly Heard. Even without words.

I invite you to risk being honest.

“I was cast upon You from birth.
From My mother’s womb
You have been My God.
Be not far from Me,
For trouble is near;
For there is none to help.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s