Was feeling really defeated this morning. Just in the thick of it. In the weeds of process, of the journey. Big successes necessitate a lot of work sometimes. And I’ve been putting in the work for so long, years. On big, big fights in my life. Big huge precipices that I want to scale. And some days, like this morning, it feels like it is never going to happen. That I’m never going to get “there”. That the journey is an unnecessary waste of time. Not worth it. When I could just give up like so many others. Just lay down and drown myself in distractions.

But I didn’t come this far just to give up now. I didn’t go through so much work already just to give up now. I haven’t learned so much and experienced so much just to give up now.

In addition I have been having some significant physical pain that makes any effort seem like a marathon.

So, exhausted, I cried out to God, “You gotta help me. I’ve lost my motivation. I’ve lost my why.”

Felt the immediate urge to start writing. To specifically write down why I am doing all this work. What the end goal is. Or would be if I could have everything I want. Everything I REALLY want. Not just fear-based solutions for immediate pains. But long term, like if I had a ridiculously generous fairy godmother. If I could start over, what would I ask for?

And so for twenty minutes I got really specific. Reminding myself of my desires. Of the things in my heart that I’d get so excited to have. Or to do. Or to be. If everything was a possibility.

Because it is. Because my God is better than a fairy godmother. I think my God delights in me. And in you, also.

It might not feel like it right now. But surely you’ve experienced it before. Getting exactly what you wanted one time – at least?

So I am looking at these hard times as a few things. One is actually for my benefit. To help me refine my desires. For example, my fear-based mind will say, “I just want a studio apartment for less than $1,000 a month.” And then I think Spirit challenges me by not giving me that. Saying something like, “But is that what you REALLY want? Do you REALLY want to live in an apartment complex? Do you REALLY want to live in that area of town, in that city, etc. Do you even REALLY want to be a renter?”

And then as all those doors are blocked, the ones I am wasting so much of my time and energy trying to get, when I don’t even REALLY want them, when I’m just making those decisions out of fear, then I start to realize that in trusting God I can redirect all that energy towards what I REALLY want. Yeah, it might take time. But God is helping me not short myself.

And through that process, I get stronger and more confident. About what I want, about what I can do. I mean I just booked my first housesitting gig with a pool. Here these people are working so hard and God helps me find a way to live in really expensive houses for free. With now pools. Without having to pay anything. Without having to maintain or stress about the long-term responsibilities of ownership. I mean that’s REALLY cool! If I can tell my fear-based mind to shut up for five seconds.

Just an example. But during the twenty minutes I was writing specifically about what I want, there were so many other dreams. If we allow ourselves to open and peek through the vault we’ve protected our desires inside. They used to scare me, but not anymore. Now they are the key to getting me unstuck. Because I believe God cares about me that much. I am given the ability to create. And Trinity isn’t going to let me get away with giving up on all They know is available for me. At least, easily. To resist this is what I now consider kicking against the goads. Versus the very different perspective religion taught me; that wanted to completely strip me of my individuality. That told me I was wrong for wanting more of pretty much everything.

And to those people I say, I wish you could look at my twenty minutes of writing what I REALLY want. It’s not what I want to share right now as it is deeply personal. And believe it or not, I still keep most of my life private. But I’m comforted by knowing what I REALLY want is not some insanely debaucherous lifestyle at the expense of subjugating anyone. But actually quite the opposite. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. And I dream of having excess specifically to bless so many people. To contribute to the healing of so many. That’s my REAL dream. To do as much as I can to reorient people back to a better way. A worldwide hope dealer. 😁

So I challenge you. Maybe you’ve never done it before. And I assure you it most likely won’t be accurate or complete the first time. In fact I think it might be a good practice to write down what we REALLY want every day or at least a lot more frequently. Because every time I do it, the picture becomes clearer. And I’ve done it dozens and dozens of times but even this time something new came up. A really cool big dream that had always been there for decades. But I never gave myself permission before to really think about it more. And when I did today, I got really excited. I started to see how it could really happen.

And THAT encouraged me. That gave me my motivation back. At least enough to get up again today. To fight all the reasons hounding me to just give up. And get back out there again. Take another few steps in the direction that is my best bet for REAL happiness and joy. Not just successfully distracted. Or waiting on others to bring me the life I want.

Amen?

What do YOU REALLY want?