I’m sure there are people out there thinking, “Oh, Sarah. Just shut up. Quit being a victim.”
That statement irritates me so much. Dismissive. Condescending.
As if the initial offense wasn’t enough. Now I have to justify the impact it had and has on me.
And I am only talking. But because that challenges you or makes you uncomfortable, now I need your blessing to speak about how I feel or what happened? Or you’ll reject me?
That doesn’t make any sense. If it was some other hurt that you judged more worthy than mine.
Take for instance my ex. She was attacked and almost killed by two dogs. A big portion of one of her biceps is missing. On top of so many other significant scars.
But is she “BEING a victim” if she wants to tell people how that extremely traumatic event has impacted her? What happened and how she feels about it?
Or a veteran of war. Do you tell them to shut up about what happened to them? Are they “being a victim” if they talk about what they went through?
I am processing. A lot for the first time. After years and years of holding so much inside. And I’m sick of holding secrets for people. They were never my burdens to carry.
What people did to me. What people said to me. They almost crushed me completely.
And I’m not doing it anymore. I’m not participating in craziness or dysfunction. I’m purging myself of so much. So many.
I feel like I’m fighting my way out of quicksand. Trying to find myself after years of living everyone else’s story. After being raised to be a perfect little mirror to reflect back whatever whoever’s ego demanded.
It would have been one thing if that resulted in good times. But my well-meaning tolerance just enabled and perpetuated the b.s. At the end of the day, my “good girl” routine didn’t keep anyone around.
I’m so tired. But hoping I have time to get myself back and hopefully have at least a few years of my life left to fully enjoy.
Now does that seem like I’m “being a victim”?
And even if I was, being a victorious survivor doesn’t take away the reality that I was victimized. Or that I never had the time to grieve or process before.
There were counseling appointments. But they were more focused on becoming stable. Versus reviewing history. Probably for good reason as this shit is hard enough with several decades of living under my belt.
But I’ve got a backlog of shit to sift through.
To honor. To go through and thank myself for how much strength I mustered over and over again.
To forgive myself for when I didn’t know better. Or I tried to make friends with the wolves lickin’ their chops to take me down.
The religion I was raised from birth in, and most of the zealous therein, were no help in this. The false “god” they preached looked more like the type of aggressor described in a domestic violence incident report. Where if you stepped on a crack the wrong way, watch out! He’s gonna explode and getcha!
So do a dance, get on your knees, prostrate yourself so the punishment won’t be as bad. Be grateful for the crumbs you’re given.
Textbook narcissistic abuse.
And I was taught to sing songs about how good that monster of a “god” was. And then reiterate over and over, even publicly, how bad I was.
Looking back, a total mindfuck that only benefits those we give control.
But after finally being free of DECADES of that crap. And experiencing the enormous benefits of repentance, real repentance. Specifically of that stinkin’ religious thinking. The “witchcraft”, etc.
After finally getting free from all of that, I am ECSTATIC!
And I am sharing in hopes that anyone else who has been through what I’ve been through might someday hear something I say that will comfort them. That will help them feel real hope. That will help them not be afraid to start the questioning that will lead them to experiencing the same Love and freedom I have been so fortunate to finally Live in.
So that I can make some meaning out of my immense suffering. So the “bad guys” don’t get to win.
And if you don’t see that, if you’re going to dismiss me, by reducing me pouring my heart out and risking everything for that end, just down to “stop being a victim”. Then…
…then in the most ideal case I hope that stems from blissful ignorance. Versus not wanting to fight your own demons.
But either way, just putting you on notice with this. That I value myself and my time now. And I’m not spending it on people unwilling to do the work – if they disrespect me in the process.
Take all the time you need. That’s not the problem. But I can’t go backwards. I nearly died doing that for decades; hanging around, waiting for those I love to join me before I proceeded forward in taking hold of all the happiness available to every one of us.
And I’m not doing that anymore. It’s incredibly painful and scary to move on without you. But my hope is maybe you’ll wake up one day. And join me. And see through the Life I live that maybe there’s something on the other side worth considering.