And then, as I was in the midst of my striving, I remembered – as this has been a long, long journey of training and building the strength to… give up. I remembered I don’t have to do this. I remembered I don’t have to have enough faith. I don’t have to get it right all the time or ever be “the one”.
So I told God that I take it back. I can’t. I don’t have the energy or desire to do “crazy” things like take off from work to write. Not anymore. If there’s one thing the past almost six years have taught me.
How can it already be that long?! Oh yeah, that’s right. That’s how long it’s taken for me to be driven around the pen until the decades of well-deserved fear was run out of me. When I could have stopped at anytime before, long ago.
And so I was spooked. Somehow. Oh yeah, I remember now. It’s when things go really bad. Or when I get the courage to finally stand up for myself after being pushed around for so long. That’s what happened on Thursday. And there was fallout. It didn’t go smoothly. I reaped very real consequences. Tears. Anger.
And then that little ol’ thought slithered in like a million times before: “See, if YOU would just do… this or that or whatever or such and such.” The focus being me. Because I’m in control, right? God’s just waiting on me? That’s it, right?
Fuck. That. Shit.
I had a moment yesterday. Because God knows what They are doing. And as I was following through with “the writing” I was so sure I was “supposed” to do based on the “sign” God gave me, I came across something I wrote back in 2019. And my own words encouraged me. Now that’s funny, crazy, and ironic. But just like God.
So I stopped immediately. And I said: I can’t do this God. I’m just a kid. Your kid. And yes, You’ve shown off for me time and time again. But You’ve also let me sleep in my car multiple times. And go hungry multiple times. Among many other scary financial times when I followed what I thought were “signs” from You and ended up in a lot of trouble. So I can’t do it anymore. I don’t have enough “faith” or “strength” to do scary things like that anymore. Like writing instead of working when my bank account clearly shows writing is probably not the best bet. I’m just a kid. And as Your kid, You could provide for me abundantly if taking time off from working is something You wanted me to do. You could do it in a heartbeat without any help from me. Without it being a scary experience. So I’m going to go back to work.
And the fear was there immediately. That I’d be punished in some way for not having enough faith. Like the one time over a year ago when I went back to work after telling God no to writing instead of working. And then that same day I was hit by a driver that ran a red light. And my car was totaled.
Talk about ruined. Demoralized. I can’t even talk about that situation. And I don’t want to. So please don’t bring it up. Unless God shows off for me in the future and fixes it. Because the burden is too much right now.
And that’s just one of MANY of the same! And it’s just so much at this point. I’ve fought and I’ve fought and I’ve fought. True to my name: the never give up girl. But it’s all been beaten out of me.
Except some of the last little remaining on Thursday. Until I saw it for what it was. Like Job, I have tried and tried to get it right. And so many have come alongside to judge me. Is basically what it comes down to. Which is completely natural so I really can’t blame them too much.
But we need to look Up instead.
And that’s what the end of that book in the Bible is about. And I think also the whole human experience. Because what did and does God say to Job and to me? “You are just My kids and you have no idea what’s going on. So quit judging yourselves. Quit judging Me. Quit judging others.”
That’s what the last decade has taught me. That I am God’s kid. I don’t have to be strong enough. And I can give up.
So just like as before, I go work to yesterday afternoon and of course there is some b.s. Of course things don’t go smoothly. Of course I feel like I’m getting a bad deal. But I pushed through and even stood up for myself again. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Scared. But I kept going.
And I’ll continue to do that. Continue to work. Continue to fight through those old fears. And temptations to think that if only I’d prove myself faithful then God would bless me out of this shit. No! Not going back there anymore.
Except I know I’ll fall again probably. But even then I know God will help me back up again. Get back on track.
These are the thoughts of a little girl who didn’t have anyone to depend on. No one to catch her when she fell. She had to do for herself or it wasn’t going to get done. And she grew very tired. And very discouraged.
But, her God Loved her so much. And she always was and is safe in Them. No matter what. She finally is starting to know and remember that.
And the good news is you are also. That’s why I share. That’s the only reason. To encourage you in your season.