I didn’t see it for decades, but now I know I am a warrior. Not against anyone. But as in having gone through so much. And still not completely losing it. That’s the real miracle. That anyone is sane, loves, or has hope at all when this world seems to be so rapidly careening off the rails. That’s how I know God exists.
A survival mechanism God gave me was the grace to create imagined harbors. For years.
But God keeps bringing me to the place where I am strong enough now to face the reality of so many situations. And on top of the truth feeling so painful sometimes, I also feel ashamed for not seeing it sooner.
Even when I can’t see how this is going to work out for good, I know and believe that all of the crashing down around me is for my healing. Not for some ego of Theirs. But for me. For my happiness and freedom. Eventually.
But I still get mad at God sometimes. Can anything be real? Can any happiness actually be true and stay? Will I always go through life waiting for the other shoe to drop? Waiting for the bottom to fall out? Waiting for hope to be pulled away and out to the sea of other people who seem to be able to live at least a dream or two? While it seems like all of mine get continually crushed no matter what I do?
It’s difficult to keep going so long. But I’d be able to power through more gracefully if I had a story I could hold onto. A narrative I could cling back to.
Which was the whole problem in the first place. Ideas as refuge in the absence of love from real relationships with people that maybe should and could have done better.
When I know You then I don’t have to know how, when, where, who, what, or even why. About the past, present, or future.
But that’s so scary when I look around and see no one. How do I know You’re real, God? How do I know You’re not just another creative survival mechanism to get me through another dreadful day? Especially when so many others poo-poo the idea of You. Much less that You care so personally. And that I believe You still do miracles. That You are still so intimately involved in the smallest details of our life. Not just a Bible story about things that happened centuries ago.
I hope and pray for revival in the sense that all across the globe, people will EXPERIENCE Jesus in such a way that intellectual explanations become irrelevant and unnecessary. And that the whole planet will see and hear. Even and especially the religious zealots.
That Jesus will show off in such a way that joy will flood our individual and collective hearts to overflowing. And thereby reframe the entire conversation. And our entire lives. A brand new trajectory. People finally united through real Life and real Love.
My heart hurts with the yearning for worldwide healing and reconciliation – both spiritual and social. And I don’t think I am alone in that. So I hope, since we are made in God’s image, that our yearning is echoing Trinity’s. That this deep hunger in us is preparing us for hopefully seeing God show off in bigger ways than even ever before. And if God is really The God we preach, then I am comfortable with the audacity of that statement.
But here we are again today. So, thank You, God. For what You are doing even now. And will continue to do. We yearn to celebrate with You. Alongside those we love. And miss.