What I wish I could say to you today.
I miss you. I love you.
That jerk. If that’s what brought us together.
At any rate.
You always took charge. Looking back now, I guess you probably knew what you were doing. On purpose.
But because you don’t talk like I talk, I’ll keep the rest private.
I wanted to be close also.
Just wish you had given me more time. To get used to the idea. Since I was born into religion. That’s really what ruined things between us. I always wished you understood that. I wonder if you ever will.
But maybe things had to work out that way. Maybe I needed that “baptism” just like it happened. Pure. Without overthinking anything. Real.
I remember lots of good things. Lots of good times.
But I wasn’t good to you. I really tried. But I was a hot mess. All tied up. In my mind. And I didn’t know how to handle everything. All that religious guilt specifically.
And you weren’t perfect, but how many times I wish I could go back and do things differently. Knowing what I know now.
I was scared. I’m sorry.
If it means anything, I never wanted or planned things to deteriorate like they did. I just didn’t know how to handle everything. It was much worse in my mind than I ever led on.
I thought I was going to a place called hell. For the rest of my life. Burning in a pit.
Now I don’t even believe in a place like that. All these years later. When my heart never ever stopped loving you.
But I do believe in the very real experience of hell. And that was what I lived all those years. In torment when I was struggling with if I could be with you. And then all the years after until I learned the answer.
Now I experience some of heaven every day. The “kingdom” really has come. In many senses. But a few being freedom to love and freedom from fear. Specifically as it relates to you.
Maybe I’m not so great yet on the outside. But that’ll catch up eventually.
I’m working so hard. For the people I love at first. A big one being you.
But more importantly – now for myself first. Either way. If you come back into my life or not.
In the meantime, so much has changed on the inside.
I understand if it’s too late. I understand if too much has happened. I understand even if you’re happier with someone else.
But one of the main things that happened after I left religion, is that I finally started to understand what real love looks like. And that you were always more of a real person than dozens of those other whitewashed tombs.
And I’m sorry it took me this long for me to get to this place.
Maybe now is not the time.
But I hope there will be another chance before we take too many more spins around the sun.
I’m here if you ever change your mind.
I’m ready to stop trying to save the world. I’m ready to settle down. Just live real life. And Love.