On The Field

Forgive me if this isn’t completely clear. Been a long day.

I can’t even tell you all the craziness that has happened to me. It’s just freaking nonstop.

Even this evening I was in a bit of a crisis. And God came through so undeniably in three ways. I mean stuff that is so crazy specific that I can’t doubt even if I tried. But then intermixed with that at the same time was more monumental shit hitting the fan.

Like riding a roller coaster.

And as I was checking into my hotel for the night, the manager was telling me that a lot of players training for the NFL are staying there. And she was telling me how you gotta just have faith to make things happen. Speak stuff into existence.

And I don’t fault her at all because I of all people have been there, but at least for me that shit hasn’t worked at all. Believe me, if faith worked like some kinda vending machine, I’d have a totally different life.

I’ve been positive to a fault. Toxic positivity without even realizing it at the time. And believe me, that shit doesn’t work. You can smother everything you own in “Never Give Up” stickers – it doesn’t work. I’ve believed all the way to the grave. And still had more belief. But it doesn’t work.

I stood there at the hotel counter after dragging my stuff upstairs just to have both keys not work. Because, of course. Apropos for my friggin day and life. And had to drag all my shit all the way downstairs again. Which was like the millionth thing to go wrong today. When I just want to be in bed.

And I was standing there talking to God. Like, “What the hell, Lord? I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that You showed off for me just two hours earlier. In such a big way. But then somehow in just two hours, I got shit on again in big big ways like five or six other times. Why, God? Why do you let these things happen to me?”

And that’s the pivotal point. Right there. Where we choose heaven or hell.

Hell is thinking I’m abandoned, forgotten, neglected by God.

Heaven is remembering all the times Trinity has come through for me before. And even today!

And then part two of heaven is choosing, making a conscious choice to decide not to judge myself, others, or God.

And even though I HATE HATE HATE all the shit I’ve been through today. Not to mention, my whole fucking lifetime. Even though I hate it all, I make a conscious decision, a choice to not even judge all that. Other than to say I don’t like it. But otherwise releasing it to God. Saying, “You know I hate all this, God. Please help me.”

That simple.

And as I was standing there, I just gave up. As I’ve learned to do over all these trials – finally. I just gave up on my strength. And I said, “God, You either got this or You don’t. I’ve been up since 4:00 AM and all the way from Waco to Austin to San Antonio to Houston just today. And I’m so fucking tired. And I can’t do this. Either You have to fix it or I’m screwed.”

And as I was standing there. Finally resting my strength. Hope flooded in. Visions. Dreams too big to mention.

And thank God I know I don’t need to share them anymore in order to prove I have any faith or belief – in order to make them happen. Thank God I know I can keep silent about them now. Complete opposite of my December 19th ordeal.

But I can share one thing. Earlier while I was checking in, one of the football players training for a chance at the NFL came down. And the manager later told me that she tries to encourage them because they come in every day looking totally wiped out after all their hard work. Day in, day out.

And it occurred to me – that’s what it is. That’s the hard part. These football players are dedicating so much time and money and energy and work towards this dream of playing in the NFL. And there is no guarantee that it will happen. That they’ll be drafted and make the team.

And they probably out there after another grueling day on the field. And they see other people just chilling at home. Watching the game on TV. And how many times does it seem impossible? How many times does it just seem like too much work?

And God reminded me of my own words. When I told the manager that it is probably really hard for them to put in all this work day after day without knowing if their dreams are going to work out. And then I remembered what I told the manager – God helps us one step at a time. Just one step. Just the next step.

Just like my day, my week, my year, my whole freaking life.

I’m the never give up girl. I been that chick. But we gotta clarify that… You don’t know how many times a day I want to give up. And each time God gives me one more step. So be sure, it is not my strength.

You are hereby invited to totally give up on your own strength. That’s also called rest.

Now I define faith, belief, trust, and never giving up as knowing God loves me. And knowing that God can do anything. And I can give up and trust even beyond what looks like the end. That God can turn anything and everything around. Without any help from me. Not even my strength of believing.

Just like those footballers have been leaving everything they have on the physical field, so have I on the spiritual, mental, and emotional field. NOT by choice – so this isn’t patting myself on the back. But like Paul said, man – have I seen and been through a lot. And so with confidence I can say, God doesn’t need our strength. Please believe that.

Whatever it is that you are dealing with today. For the millionth time. That battle that just keeps tackling you to the ground. Over and fucking over again. Whatever that is. Whatever it is today that has you at the end. Tell God you are freaking sick of it. Ask God to speak to you about it. Speak something undeniably real to you.

And don’t worry about giving up.

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