I am reading A More Christlike Word by Brad Jersak as part of a study group I am attending. I am going to be sharing some of my reflections as I read the book. Here is my third reflection:

Jesus is the Word of God. I no longer think the Bible is the word of God. I do think God had a part in the Bible becoming. I do believe you can find God in the Bible. But I think the Bible is an invitation. And as I’ve said before, do you want to spend your life staring at the invitation, or do you want to go in and fully experience the party?

I believe the Bible allows many questions because it is an invitation to relationship. The Bible is not meant to be the destination. It is only a beginning. I say that from a mind that is much more inclined to park out in theological discussions than risk the messy beautiful business of relationships.

When I was introduced to this path, I was happy to remain there – in my mind. But whoa, I was not prepared for what a few simple core beliefs could impact. Basically my whole world. It feels like from the inside of every cell out. Completely overwhelming on most days. I can see why God doesn’t fast-track this learning. I can see why God leads us one step at a time. Be ready if you pray those big prayers. Cause, whew!

And in that, the thing that kept coming to me was, “New wineskins for new wine.” In other words, as that applied to me, this new life was not about camping out in my mind. This new life was not about aligning myself with one particular church, one particular speaker, one particular denomination, or even one particular translation. I could go on and on and on, actually. Because the ONLY thing that I’ve been able to tether myself to during this process has been God and God alone. Nothing else. Nothing from my past life and nothing from this new life. I’ve become begrudgingly much more comfortable with change. With flexibility. With that grand word, mystery.

I had no room for mystery before. My faith was frankly in what I could know and understand. I trusted God as far as I could explain Trinity. I had formulas, or tried to have formulas, for everything. Not in this new life. No, sir. Not at all. Throw formulas straight out the door. They only lead me to more wrestling. More so-called absolutes to reckon with.

Do you ever see those videos of colorblind people who start crying when they put on those glasses that help them to see what the rest of us take for granted? That’s how I feel everyday spiritually. My spirit and soul LONG to celebrate with others who “get it”. Actually more so to do life with others who “get it”. That’s what I miss most about the old way – at least there were times of community. This new way, man, this new way is all about healing. But somedays I don’t feel like doing the work. Somedays I wish it wasn’t so lonely.

But I think I needed this. I’m a completely different person than I was a few years ago. From the inside out. I feel like layers and layers of junk have been stripped away. I’m hopeful it isn’t just for me. I kinda understand now what Paul meant when he said he’d trade places if all the people he loved could experience the freedom that embraced him. I get it. He can only say that if he knows he is eternally safe and Loved. He’s saying that the gift that was given to him is so wonderful that it’s painful to not be able to share it with those you love. That you’d almost rather endure a few more short years of hell in this earth suit just so that you’d know they’d be able to experience the same joy that has given life to your soul.

But that’s God’s business, I guess. Finally learning to trust Trinity with you and everybody else. Not that I don’t still get excited and try. Because, maybe. But it’s no longer this desperate burden. More like my cup is full and I’m becoming more okay with letting it overflow even if I as of yet haven’t seen anything very promising. But, it’s not over yet. I am still the Never Give Up grrrl.