Was I just a trashcan for you? Was I just someone you could dump on?

Someone you could share all this non-conforming stuff to and with? Someone who would listen to you?

Someone who looked up to you when you hated where you were?

Or was there something more? Is there something more?

Am I just dreaming? Or was God always doing something between us? And is God still doing something between us?

I thought you told me that there was someone better out there for me? Why this, then? Am I writing the eulogy of us? Or is this a recollection in preparation of something even more beautiful to come?

Am I supposed to move on? Will writing this help me do that? Or is there yet to come? Even better?

Am I dreaming? Am I just a loser who can’t get it together? Damaged goods?

Or is there really more? More to dream for? More that God is doing?

Is it ok that I am a lone wolf out here? By myself, dreaming big huge dreams?

If God is for me, then who can be against me?

All these years. All preparation for what is to come? Or just a hopeless dreamer?

I need God. This can’t happen by me.

A part of me says these emails from you were just to get me to prepare to be away from you. When otherwise I had no reason. I wanted you more and more.

But is that crazy? To think that instead of us being mismatched, that God just needed us to be separated for a time?

If there is such a thing as quantum stuff, can you read this right now? Do you see me? Are you encouraging me? Are you excited for me? Or am I just losing my mind? Have I really gone and done it this time?

Please help, God. I need You so much. I need J also. My friend. My best friend. I miss him so much.

I miss you so much, J. What I wouldn’t give to have more drives with you. More talks. More laying out and looking at the stars. I love you. I miss you. I need you. I don’t want this to be the end of our story here on earth.

I want you to get all the platform that I think you deserve. You hung in there. All those years. I want God to redeem you to these people. But more importantly, I want us to be able to give them hope.

Please help us, God. Please help me.

I love You. I love you.

I’m the one that loved you. I’m the one that listened to you. Was happy to do so. I am the one who respected you.

I want to be redeemed also. I want my love to be redeemed.

I want God to free me from this weight and make me gorgeous like before. For you. So that you and I both will be redeemed. Publicly. For all the naysayers.

What happened to you and B? Did ya’ll fuck? How quickly were you done with her? Was she done with you? Did ya’ll still keep in touch? Still talk?

I was so mad that T didn’t tell me about your passing. Did he tell B? Did she know and not tell me?

Am I not supposed to hold it against them because it needed to work out that way? Like Joseph going to Egypt.

I think of the Rejected Lamb guy. How he talked about being excited to raise the rejected lamb. Knowing that the rejected lamb will trust him and thereby lead the other sheep to him.

Is that my role? Am I the rejected lamb that God loves? That He is helping to trust Him? So I can bring others to Him?

Is that okay with me? Is that worth all this pain?

I don’t think He uses me. Or us. But if I knew the beautiful outcome of all of this, would it be okay with me? Would I be happy to be involved in how everything will turn out?

Because life is bigger than our time here on earth. I believe that. I think this is just a preview.

I love you so much, J. I miss you so much.

I think you went through it before I went through it.

I am so thankful for our time together. I could never have done this without the time with you. To get me through.

I’m sorry I judged you. Incorrectly at that. I’m sorry I looked down on you at times. Pitied you.

You weren’t to be pitied. You are a salty warrior. Just like me.

But more so, a friend.

I trust you did right by your wife’s daughter.

But I miss you. I wanted you for me.

Will you ever be? Or am I just lost in dreams?

I hope your father received you with open arms. Kissed you. Hugged you. Approved of you. Like never before. Was happy with you. Gave you the love you needed.

And now supports you coming back. At least for me?

I know that is so selfish. But I want this story to end differently than it is right now. I want you to be justified before the whole world. And to lead even the Jews to the real good news. Like you wanted to do.

Are you interested in doing that at all?

And with me?

Do you see my heart? Do you see what God did between us? Are you on board?

It hurts to hope so. It hurts to hope for so long.

I know you understand how I feel. You were there also.

Will you do this with me? For me? But I only want you back if you want it too.

I love you. I miss you.

Were you there just for a time? Or will you be coming back?

I think our separation for sure was in part to make sure my mind got right. Got solidified in this new real gospel. Without you. Because you weren’t ready yet.

But will you be ready another time? Here on the earth? Coming back?

Those other people were raised from the dead. The one woman was brought back because people missed her so much. I miss you so much also. Is that enough?

God knows. I want to trust that God will only do what is best. No matter if I can see it or not.

But I want the real you. The best you. That I saw so many times.

I don’t think you are the man who would get caught up in knowing the bad. I think that was the tired you.

I want the world to see the J that I fell in love with. I want them to know that you. I want you to see and feel that recognition.

I know God is enough for you. But I want you to get that recognition. That experience.

Hopefully it will bring you much joy to lead the world to the real Christ. The real God.

Is that what you want? Or is being in heaven enough? On the other side. With Jesus. How can I possibly ever compete with that?

But maybe you will be refreshed. Maybe you will be ready and willing.

But I don’t want any more sadness. I don’t want you back if I have to live with losing you again. I don’t want to cry over missing you again. I only want you to come back if life will be better with you in it. If I can finally have some happiness, peace, and joy of my own. That won’t be stolen from me. I’m just so tired of being sad and tired.