(I posted this content on my YouTube channel, but I age-restricted the video due to mild references to adult content. So the video is not able to be embedded. Please click this link to watch the video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/vKo6Oj9qBIA)
I don’t think people talk about this because of what I assume are primarily false feelings of shame. So, let’s go there.
In my second book, The Trial, I wrote a little bit about porn. How it manifested in my life when I was younger. And then some insights I gained about it when I was older.
And in that discussion, I talked about how I think many times people are trying to see themselves in the person in the porn or in the person they are having sex with.
So I was thinking about that a little further this morning. And while there are many that are trying to find a part of themselves that was lost after rape, as just one example, I think there there is another segment of the population that never experienced violence associated with sex. So, what are they looking for?
This isn’t going to apply to everyone, but I started to wonder if maybe there is a big group of people who are looking for the last time they felt good about themselves. In the eyes of the person they are fucking. Or the person in the porn. Now, this gets kinda twisted, but there is no condemnation. So hold on while I try to explain.
The thoughts that came to mind were about M.I.L.F. porn. I’ve never understood that genre. But then it occurred to me this morning – maybe the last time a man felt truly good about himself is when he looked into his mother’s eyes. Maybe that’s the last time he felt powerful – like he could conquer anything in the world. Because his mother told him so or treated him as such. Maybe that’s the last time he experienced unconditional love. Maybe that’s the last time he loved himself. Valued himself. Thought he was worthy. Wasn’t scared.
And so it’s maybe not so much about the sex. Maybe it’s just wanting some connection with the person he was back when he felt his best. Not that he wants to fuck his mom. Not at all. But when this older woman looks at him as something valuable in the moment. She desires him. She chooses him. Maybe for a second, there is a similar-enough feeling that he can see in her eyes. And it tells him he’s enough. A drug. Validation. Confirmation. Hope.
Take it a little further. Is it any wonder then that some men will run through dozens if not hundreds of women in their lifetime. They’ll find that look of adoration. Of affection that they don’t have for themselves. They’ll see it in a new woman. And they’ll chase that high. Because they are outsourcing self-love. I’m sure completely unconscious of it probably most of the time.
They’ll say, “Oh, this relationship didn’t work out because of such and such.” And yeah, maybe it got to that point. But what is the bigger pattern? Is it that this person woke up and decided they wanted to do life with you – and you weren’t ready? You have just been going from one mirror to the next. To try to find yourself first.
What if the only way out is to love ourselves?
And then that brings up a lot of other different things to think about. Like, why are we holding ourselves hostage?
Why won’t we give ourselves permission to be okay?
Whose standards are we judging ourselves by?
Are those even our values?
Or did we just adopt them unconsciously over the years?
Can we give them up?
Would that mean we would need to distance ourselves from people that we love and people we want to love us?
What stories are we telling ourselves?
Are there other people out there that would value us even more – if we gave ourselves permission to look or wait for them?
Not to mention, do we even believe God loves us? And not just theoretically, but personally. If God actually liked you just as you are, how would your view of yourself change?
And what if it’s okay if you don’t like yourself right now? What if it’s okay that you don’t respect yourself right now? That once you accept that and give yourself some grace, then you can decide to change some things so that you can like who you are. Maybe your discontentment with yourself is an invitation only to reach for more and something better. Versus a death sentence.
Same thing if you are jealous of others. Just take it as an invitation to another party. That you are growing up and the old doesn’t fit well anymore. You are getting stronger. It’s not about them. It’s about you actually starting to value yourself more. Saying, “Hey, I deserve better, something more.” But it’s not their job to give it to you. Especially not to give you theirs. I believe jealousy is just an invitation for you to go get your own. If you like their house, don’t take theirs – go figure out how to get your own. Yeah, that’s going to take changes. It’s going to probably involve leaving people behind. But you wouldn’t want it if you weren’t strong enough to have it. Generally speaking. Probably the rule more than the exception.
So yeah, that’s my initial thoughts on this. Probably a lot more to flesh out, pun acknowledged.