Something just hit me.

“Where there is no vision, the people perish…”

How many times did Jesus talk about those who have eyes to see?

A few years ago I thought I knew where life was going. Then EVERYTHING was ripped up, out, and away from me. Everything.

I thought I was then given a new vision. I hung on for awhile. But it’s been so many years. So even that new vision seems all but dead right now.

And so, like I encouraged a few days ago, I sat down today and poured my heart out to God. Actually, my anger more than anything. Brutally honest. Pretty much without apology. I didn’t even want a Response if it didn’t involve some real relief or action. Cried some tears afterward. But then got back to business. Because the alternative just doesn’t work well for me.

And so hours later I ran across a video of Tyson Fury talking about how he spiraled after his victory over Wladimir Klitschko. He went from being on top of the world with everything he could ever want down to seconds from the end. Lowest of the low.

Such a curious thing. You’d think the man would be happy. But no. He said it was his lowest time. Right after he achieved everything he had been working for his whole life. In so many words he basically said he had reached the pinnacle and didn’t know where to go next. Nothing satisfied him.

I think about it now and I wonder if maybe these fights in our life aren’t about anyone else? Tyson thought Wladimir was his biggest opponent. Maybe he was wrong; maybe the biggest fight of his life was with himself. Could it be the same for everyone else? Maybe we are constantly in training to be able to face ourselves?

In any event, Tyson seemed to describe feeling completely lost. He described trying everything without anything sticking. And that’s when I realized he was suffering because he was a man without vision. He could not see the purpose, the reason, the hope. He looked into the day before him and couldn’t find himself in the story, his real self. He didn’t know who he was or where he fit in anymore.

I think maybe now more than ever we also collectively seem to have lost our story, our vision, our direction. Not a commentary on behavior choices; if anything, I think those are just symptoms of a much bigger problem. Of blindness, really. We stumble around. Leading each other here and there. Sometimes seeming worse off than when we started. Yeah, that’s plenty painful to face. No wonder we run to our phones, substances, and anything else to keep us distracted.

Over these past few years I’ve come to the conclusion that most of the time when I am not settled it is because I am facing an impasse. That’s what happened today; feeling very frustrated that I know God can move in areas where I want Him to move – but then not seeing what I expect to see when I expect to see it.

So will I sit in the judgement seat against Christ? Will I push those thorns into His head? Will I mercilessly whip His flesh? Will I drive nails into His body and hang Him naked for all to despise?

That’s what my emotions wanted to do. And I let myself feel those feelings. I admitted them. Because God would already know them.

But my feelings weren’t being intellectually honest. That’s not their job; they are only indicators. Pointing me in the direction of my healing. Which I’d personally like to get through as quickly as possible.

I think I was so frustrated this time that I didn’t pray to be able to see. Instead I committed to nursing my indignation in solidarity with my feelings. But previously, especially recently, I have been trying to remember to ask for God to help me see as He sees. And everytime I do that, it seems to help. So maybe past prayers carried me through today’s challenge. Because Tyson Fury was just the start. Understanding started unfolding rapidly after that for some time.

And yet I laugh because in all the understanding of course there were no answers. Lol. Just like God, I suppose. I guess answers won’t help me get where I am going. I’d sure love some though.

But no, it was just comfort. The same kind that wrapped me up before. Peace that passes understanding. Lifted up on wings like eagles. As only Spirit can do. Reaching places in my heart that language isn’t even able to go.

I don’t know the end of the story, but so far all this unfolded for me:

My parents used to drive us around to look at houses when we were still under their roof. They both started multiple business ventures of their own. I was involved in some while still a kid.

As an older kid, my favorite part of the newspaper (remember those?) was the business section. Other kids were dating and partying. Not me; I’m 19 and reading business articles for fun. Pre-internet. Pre-retail investor hype.

Rick Ross’ anthem was my jam. On repeat. Been about that life. Just didn’t give myself permission to press the gas pedal.

Every semester I’d look longingly at the real estate courses, but I didn’t know anyone in real estate and was discouraged by others so I didn’t enroll.

But God.

I’d keep circling back around to the idea after I graduated with my IT degree. Stress relief at work? Read business articles and look at real estate listings. I even registered for some self-paced learning materials. But again, didn’t give myself permission to pull the trigger.

Long story short, my attempts to be “sensible” ended in disaster. Job after job. Different industries. The job held for the longest length of time was driving a taxi – where I learned a lot about people, business, and almost every inch of the city.

During all those explorations, I decided to volunteer to sort clothes for a ministry event. I spent hours at a warehouse space generously donated to the church by the owner. I didn’t know who he was until I was there sorting one day and he introduced himself. We ended up talking about business and he told me how he started and grew his real estate holdings. Including that storage/warehouse complex. I would go back over the years to chat with him about real estate as he sat in his “office” on the property, i.e. his pickup truck. 🙂 More seeds being sown.

One day it finally hit me: the only thing I wanted to do at work all day was to look at real estate. I could spend hours on it. For years I had dismissed it as a silly distraction since I didn’t have the money to invest. But the blessing of rock bottom is that I decided to finally do what I had always wanted to do (real estate) and to hell with the consequences because at that point it was six of one, half a dozen of the other. It was either going to be Jesus or nothing.

And, boy! Rolled out! Like a red carpet!

I qualified for all of my tuition paid for at college. Gifts also from others toward college expenses. No student loans during the entire duration of pursuing my real estate degree.

In addition, the perfect job initially so I could go to school during the day and work at night since there were day classes I needed to attend. For a company in the industry no less.

Then the very first day of classes, the director of the program offered to mentor me. Forty years in the business. A professor for decades. An author and a speaker. He gave me a ton of invaluable advice. Many opportunities.

One of which involved speaking on a panel to the attendees at a Texas Real Estate Teachers Association conference. Where after the presentation, the first audience question was directed to me: “When is your book coming out, Sarah? Because I want a copy.”

Another being nominating me for the Distinguished Graduate designation for the department the year I finished. Which led to me being chosen as the student speaker for the Distinguished Graduates ceremony at San Antonio College. A standing ovation.

So many other things I could mention.

He spoke of God. And also another of my professors spoke of God. She is now the program coordinator after my mentor retired. Super successful in her own right. Also an author and a speaker. She encouraged me to go into commercial real estate – which was never even on my radar until she mentioned it.

Which led me to enroll in a Real Estate Investments class that wasn’t even on my degree plan. Ended up being one of the best classes I took. Learned about risk and asset types. Learned how to evaluate potential investments. How to calculate cap rates. Lots of lingo for the commercial side of things. My final project was to put together a marketing package for a self-storage property.

I applied for a million residential real estate positions while in school. Nothing worked out. I couldn’t even get a job as a receptionist. But then I decided to look for a job in the commercial real estate industry. I intially felt so hesitant because I had no experience.

But what does God have for me? A commercial real estate field researcher position. They told me they didn’t usually hire people without all the qualifications they normally required, but I seemed to be well on my way to getting where I needed to be. It probably also helped that I already knew almost the whole city from being a taxi driver. So they considered me and offered me the position. One of only six similar positions in the entire State of Texas. The only position of its kind in San Antonio. The others being in Dallas, Houston, and Austin. Flown out to Missouri for training.

It was such a blessing! I was able to work remotely from home. Set my own schedule so I could work around my classes. Had a company car, gas card, laptop, camera, and printer. Drove around all day every day taking pictures of only commercial real estate.

Went to quarterly broker meetings with all the big shots in town. People who do multi-million dollar deals. Even $100m+ deals. I’m sitting right next to them at the meetings. Learning TONS of game!

Researched over 6,000 properties… Until they went out of business unexpectedly THE DAY after I graduated!?!?!?!

That was the final exclamation point on a series of things that had been happening where I was so certain God had me going a specific direction and then everything seemed to absolutely fall apart. Leaving me stuck wondering why. Much more on the whole story hopefully someday.

But for now, to get back to the vision theme, after the company went out of business I started applying for jobs in the commercial real estate industry. But all of my contacts from the old company fell through and every door seemed closed.

Then I saw an ad on Craigslist. Working as an admin for a broker who specializes in self-storage. Doing property research, creating marketing materials, and putting together proformas where I was responsible for calculating cap rates. Full circle!

My broker again wasn’t initially on my radar in terms of where I thought I was going. But I asked God to help me see. And I felt like He showed me that my broker lets me do EVERYTHING! He threw me into the fire in terms of being responsible for handling his transactions. He always seems to have full confidence in me. Much more than even I have in myself. And he is never stingy about sharing his people or clients with me. He even passes leads onto me. Doesn’t even charge me any of the typical office fees many brokers demand in order to sponsor agents.

Whereas had I been hired at one of these huge commercial real estate companies, I would have probably been lost in the shuffle. Probably would have had to fight for my life to get promoted and even have a remote chance of getting anywhere near touching the actual transactions.

So that was the comfort I was given today. A big reminder that I can trust God. Because none of the opportunities that clearly opened up and were given to me were EVER on my radar. All were WAY above what I had dared to ask of imagine. I understood nothing about what they were teaching me for the future while I was in the moment. Only hindsight has been 20/20.

Again, no answers to my specific questions. Just tons of peace. That something is coming together. And it will probably be better than I hoped for. Even if I only understand it after the fact.

So I don’t really know what the future holds as much as I try to figure it out. But I’m learning to hold my dreams loosely. Gotta lay my ideas down, talk to God about my desires, and give Trinity all my questions. And I feel free to be brutally honest with Spirit about all my fears and feelings. It’s embracing those challenging moments that seems to catapult me to the next stage of healing.

Someone told me that when you’re a baby, God gives you a BIG vision so you can kinda get your feet under you in terms of getting comfortable enough to move forward. But as you go along, the amount of vision you’re given gradually gets smaller and smaller. To the point where sometimes you feel like all you see is the next step.

I don’t want to speak with authority on that, but it seems to accurately echo my experience. And again without claiming I’ve got the market cornered on truth, I wonder if we’re only given the next step because intellectual knowing keeps us in our heads and apart from our hearts. As the healing progresses, only Spirit satisfies. So we need to be close. But we’re not used to having Someone like that to run to. Given the option, we turn to ourselves, or our work, or others. Our phones, substances, experiences. Anything else, anyone else but God.

Until we experience Trinity for ourselves. That God really is real. And really does love us. Really does see us. Really is concerned about what matters to us.

As much as I try to communicate it, even the most beautiful words won’t substitute for real relationship. But I hope by sharing my experiences and my comfort, that it will encourage at least someone to risk asking for their own. To ask to see themselves and others as God sees them. To ask to get their vision refreshed.

I think it will help us so much. Individually and collectively. I think plenty will change for the better once we experience and know how much we are Loved!

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“Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just passes it to someone else.”

@limafromaura

“THEY forced you to make a decision you wouldn’t otherwise have made be it for THEIR behavior. THEY can choose to behave differently.”

Sarah Nyhan