I feel like I followed Holy Spirit out into a desert over a recent period. I feel like I am in that in-between hold-your-breath place where I can see Pharaoh coming at me on one side and a big sea on the other.
Trying to stay focused on the work I want to do. Slowly detaching from making those desires any part of an equation to attempt to manipulate God. Slowly resting as a child of Creator God. Loved. Living loved. Slowly not needing to know. Slowly embracing mystery. Slowly laying all my burdens down. Being a kid again. Doing my best while not relying on my part. Slowly. Decades of old habits die hard.
The sweetest times, that I admit I still resist, are when I run to Trinity with my raw honesty. With my questions. With all the messy emotions. The ones that aren’t pretty enough for public consumption. The thoughts I’m pressured to sweep under the table so as to make others comfortable.
Not my Jesus. He welcomes all of me. He can handle more than I could ever throw His way. He encourages my questions. He doesn’t push me away when I come with anger, tears, and fears.
Instead, I feel calm compassion. I feel that Mother gathering me in. I feel peace quiet my soul. I feel an invitation to let go of all I insist on carrying or holding onto.
Not a lot of talking. Not a lot to lean on for the future except reminders of Trinity’s love proven over and over again. And usually the question, “But you’re fine right now?” Followed up with the reminder that it feels like 99% of the time I’m upset over concerns about the future. About the story I have told myself about how things are going to play out. About things that aren’t even happening right now.
I am so accustomed to leaving God out of the equation. As if we are just an afterthought.
Slowly I am coming around. Trust slowly building on trust. Those monuments are helpful. Telling ourselves the true stories about how God has showed up and showed off in our lives before.
It’s one thing to have something good happen. It’s another thing when I remember how God protected me even in my failures. Funny how some of the most benign moments turn out to be lessons in that respect. I was thinking this week about how I left my laundry in the laundromat one day for several hours and nobody took it. I was thinking about another time when I left my money for doing laundry in the laundromat and nobody took it. I came back some time later and it was left untouched. Maybe little things to some, but they were big for me.
Over and over I don’t get answers so much about the future. I just mainly get reminded about where I knew God was real in the past. This is that adventurous life I prayed for. To be led where my trust is without borders. God alone.