I was thinking about how Jesus says this kind does not come out except by prayer and fasting (as recorded in Mark 9 and Matthew 17). I feel like God comforted me with the revelation that what it means for me is that the disciples were relying on themselves to be able to deliver this person they wanted to save. Even with good intentions. And yet the point was that in doing good they had even veered off the path.
Mercies are new every morning. What happened to the manna that was collected in fear? I haven’t trusted God to show off for me tomorrow in greater ways than today. I have projected my own self-image on Trinity. I haven’t fully loved myself and I have put that on God. Even after all Trinity has done for me. Over and over and over.
And it will be ok. But some healing, this healing, won’t happen without my heart. Won’t happen just in my mind. Won’t be some routine thing done because it worked before.
I think of Moses. God keeps reminding me of Moses. What was the big deal about the rock and the water?
I picture Moses being so tired. Going round and round all these years. Not understanding how safe he was in The Father’s heart. Incorrectly feeling like he carried all these people he loved on HIS back.
“Yet again here we are in need, God. Yet again these people don’t believe Your love for them.”
But what was the issue all along? “It doesn’t depend on you, Moses.”
“And it doesn’t depend on you, Sarah.”
“It doesn’t depend on you.”
It doesn’t depend on us. In returning and REST will be our salvation.
But just like me, Moses didn’t want to “fall” that far. I mean look at all these people that were depending on him. Or so it seemed.
God gave him a new way. But he was scared. Understandably. So at the last minute he chickened out and hit the rock instead of just speaking to it. His strength again. Sure, not murdering an Egyptian this time. But still his strength. Versus God’s heart.
Did God really lead Moses out into the desert and then leave him there and expect him to be responsible for all those people? Any of those people?
What did Jesus do when He was led out into the desert (not at all as punishment)?
Our prayers are answered. Just not always in the way we expect. We are not being punished. That thinking is one of the things being healed. Our total healing is only ever the aim. FOR us. If God was in the using business, which I don’t believe Trinity is, then there are plenty of others. But I think there are things especially FOR us. Joys especially FOR us. That God is so excited for us to get to and enjoy. Through all this.
God does new things. And the fasting and prayer don’t make them happen. The fasting and prayer just helps us be in better alignment.
And so we can face these wrestlings head on without fear. Easier said than done. 🙂
“Ok, God – what am I not seeing? What am I not hearing? What are You doing differently this time? Who is this for? What Word do I need? What Word do they need? Help me hear. Help me see. Help me see Your heart. Help me see myself and them through Your heart.”
Prayer like that. Fasting is simply removing my distractions to that end. Not me moving mountains in my own strength.
Different rocks, different fears possess me and others in that and this future. There isn’t some formula I can run to apart from running to Trinity. New. Fresh.
Yesterday They might have me hitting the rock. Today They might have me speaking to the rock. It’s not torture or some sick game. My healing comes not from a formula I can fall back on. Not some witchcraft. But in knowing I don’t need to know. 😊 In coming to experience the unlimitedness of my Father’s heart for us all.
I think our gifts are greater than we know and God wants us to be totally free to use them without worrying that all of Israel depends on us, so to speak. We are this loved, beloved child. Just as we are. We are exactly where it was always known we would be. Who we are was always factored in.
God keeps telling me that we’re not late. But also that we can stop circling the deserts of our self-sufficiency whenever we like. We can choose. We are already fully healed. We can experience that as much as we want.
The only thing God ever depended on was our fear and failure. 😊 Our betrayal. Our sacrificing Him on the cross.