A few weeks ago I was driving down the road and wondering whether I should go live in Corpus Christi. Right after I had the thought, I passed by a street sign with the words “Corpus Christi”. The old me would have seen that as a “sign” to move.
The new me saw it a little differently; saw it as a friendly challenge. As in, “Do you really need to go down this literal road again? How many times do you have to bang your head against a wall before you turn around and go a different way? Cause we can keep doing this as long as it takes. The wall ain’t going anywhere.”
Out of all these years, this has been the one thing that seems the hardest to let go of. I’m sure this has some deep-root in needing to feel safe. And in control. Whew!
We only need control when we don’t trust. Think about it. Think about a lover, fictional if need be. If you implicitly trusted that person’s heart for you, you would be ok letting go of control. But not so much if you have doubts.
And there I am with God. Still unsure after all these years. Light years beyond where I started, but still not all the way there yet. Maybe never will be. But I’d like to continue growing.
And so these signs. It’s about being able to predict the future. Which rationally is impossible. Yet our culture is so obsessed with the illusion of being able to control and predict the future that we take it for granted. We hold each other accountable for things we are really unable to promise.
I’m learning to live in the grace of each moment. Borrowed primarily from Paul Young. Like he also says, letting go of outcomes. This makes me seem like I don’t care. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. But those still on the “other side” have become very upset with me; even to the point of not speaking with me.
Because I am learning to use different language. I am not so certain anymore. Learning not to over-promise and under-deliver. Still a long way to go but making good progress.
All to say I’ve slowly, painfully been coming around to the concept of “writing my own story”. This is completely opposite of the deterministic god I was taught in previous religious circles. That god had a plan and I was along for the ride. Hence, the signs.
This new-to-me God I think is different. Maybe not totally hands-off; I’m not buying that yet. But whenever I ask what to do, mostly all I ever get back now is, “What do you want to do?”
What do I want? I never asked those questions in the old way. That was blasphemous talk in the old way. Literally and seriously. In the old way god didn’t care about me; I had a job to do and good soldiers were rewarded.
Ironically it is the study of the history of science that is clearing things up for me. Whole worlds. These scientists were not special guys in many senses. We make them larger than life and they certainly had gifts. But in a way I think some of their non-religious focus contributed to their freedom to abandon themselves to the pursuit of the wonder of Creation they saw and experienced. To me now, science in good measure is one of the highest most beautiful forms of worship.
I imagine God not looking down on Mr./Ms. Scientist and being disappointed that they are in the lab versus going to church. Rather I now picture Holy Spirit right there across the lab table giddy with excitement as one of Their kids starts to unravel a mystery that will change the world. Totally unthreatened by the questions and debates that will ensue. All a part of the process of inviting us to draw closer. Even in our anger and disbelief. Not a puppet master; rather able to handle anything and everything we come at Him with.
And here is where my mind strains at current capacity. What might we do if we really got it? If we really understood how Creation yearns for our full release into all we were designed to be. Not in a plan so much as possibilities.
This is where the ceiling blows off all my previous boxes. From the INside out. Instead of figuring out one storyline, now the entire cosmos is a possibility. Do you know what this means?! We get to write our own stories! As in, what would your life look like if you started over with no signs, no plan. Just a pen. What would the next line be?
This means you can pursue that dream. To borrow a bit from my brother, this means it is almost a sin NOT to pursue the dream inside of you.
Now don’t get carried away; as with anything – my words can be incorrectly extrapolated to unhealthy extremes. Remember, if our choices will impact others in ways that look a lot different than love then I’d say tread so lightly and do a lot more considering and talking to God about that.
But the point remains. You could have been created as a dog or a donkey. Instead you were given the highest place on this earth and in the known cosmos. You were given life in Their Image. You are not God, you do not exist on your own. But you are definitely given so much power to create. Anything. For better or for worse.
Have you really embraced that ability and power? Is your story going to be coming home and watching TV until you go to bed? For the rest of this life? I mean, I get it; the world is really sad – sometimes you just want to get away. All I am saying is maybe don’t blame that life on God.
It hurts to dream. It hurts to pick up the pen and try again. Fact is we’ve lost a lot; we’ve been sold a bag of bad goods for a long, long time. That’s hard to take. There is anger and deep deep grief. And time to mourn. But at least for now, also another tomorrow.
They already took enough; don’t let them give us a life sentence. Take today back. Take YOUR life back a moment at a time. What does writing your own story look like in this minute?
I don’t think God is a tricky God. I don’t now think He has some magical plan that He hides from me and leaves breadcrumbs in signs for me to find. That would be too tricky, in a bad way.
Now I see it differently. I see it as He opens in my mind windows of possibilities; gives me insights into avenues for exploring. And any are mine for the pursuing. Knowing the participating is more the point than the outcomes.
This means I can dream bigger. This means I can ask for more. This means even a simple life is worth as much as solving the latest planetary crisis. We dance with this God. We are not being dragged.
I used to pray as a little girl that I wanted to walk with God like Enoch. I used to pray as a little girl that God would help me not to be deceived. That He would never leave me to myself. I see so much how those prayers have been answered over and over. To the point where I was shown I can stop praying them out of fear and relax in God’s total love and acceptance. He hears, He knows, He sees. I don’t have to beg Him for things He already is happy to give us.
I’m still not really settled or sure what prayer is anymore after all I’ve been through after the past almost two years. But what I know for sure is that there is so much more out there for us to experience and embrace. Our God is not the icon on a throne with scepter in hand as subjects prostrate themselves around on the floor. Now that is blasphemy!
Our God embraces the little children who run to Him. Children who instinctively knew He was safe to run to. Our God puts on astounding displays in new sunsets and new sunrises every day. Our God sings to us from night skies and northern lights. Everything saying there is more, there is more, there is more! More beauty in us and for us. More love. More of Him to explore.
I wonder how far we can take it? How far can we take “you have not because you ask not”. I know this is NOT name it and claim it. But unanswered questions are invitations that continue to beckon.
Whether you do much or do little, whether you do big or you do small – today you write a story. What will it be?