There is such a change and an exploration when I go from “should” thinking to freedom thinking. So to speak. Nothing ever was really settled before. There was no real peace. But things have been completely turned upside down now. In a good way, but still reeling. With no rules, so much more thought goes into every decision. I have a choice now. I am empowered. In His image. Not a god in the common sense, but definitely a creator of sorts.
The weight of it all. Every little choice. In the butterfly effect sense. My actions matter. I matter. No longer barrelling through life detached from the heart of matters. Now love I think in the Jesus sense of meaning it.
Where I can’t objectify you. Where this superficial stuff is blown through in an instance. Are you really my brother and sister IN Christ? Not with words alone. So sick of words. Learning to shut up. Learning to really be. Not accepting your excuses. Risking facing myself in the mirror first. So far to go. But any step in the right direction is worth every effort.
We are not alone. We look IN to do this. Too ignorant and unequipped on our own. This happens organically. I know God and am filled up in time with Him. Then what is in me pours forth. Actually always pours forth whether good or bad. Where am I striving without God? What have I not asked for help with? We never have been, never will be, and never are alone. We only look away and don’t see.
This spending time isn’t like before. Not just in a book, although that might happen also. Not just in a building. Not just in formal traditions. But anywhere, everywhere. When we seek His heart for us. Nothing to prove. Be welcomed as a child by our Good Father. Run to Him, run to mother Holy Spirit like before. Hiding not in the good/bad tree from shame. But under the wings that long for us to run home.