Giving up. No, not like that. More like falling IN. Living loved, actually. Done with the hustle. Done with the grind. Done with the harder, better, stronger, faster. If anything is going to get done, it’s going to have to be God.
I put on some music this morning. Was wanting to listen to some old jams. Surprised right away. Song after song. All about, “I’ll try harder, God.” Or, “Look how hard I’m trying, God.” Or, “Everyone else should try as hard as I’m trying.”
In the spirit of exactly what I mean right now, “Forget that!” Only took me how many years?
I need a BIG GOD. Much bigger than me. Much bigger than us. I don’t want to think I am speaking for Him anymore. I want to hear. I need to listen.
I need some new music. Actually, I have a lot. Maybe the better way to put it is I need to remember that there is no division between the secular and the holy huddle, per se. Maybe the most demonic satanic junk is self-deprecating self-improvement anthems masquerading as “spiritual” worship music. Worship of who, exactly? Our effort or GOD’s love and goodness?
I find the heart of God more in the worldwide effort to rescue lost boys in a swollen cave. I find the heart of God more in the child mixing house beats in some dry dusty African community. I find the heart of God more in a group of men scrambling with whatever they can find to free an animal. I find the heart of God in the passion chefs bring to their culinary creations.
I am not angry at the corporate church. My heart breaks. My passion is furious. As much as I long for community, I cannot go back to the lies. I pray. I sing. I dance. I trust this is way bigger than me. That GOD is way bigger than us.