I’m the person who is mildly annoyed with having so many options to choose from in the toilet paper aisle at the grocery store. 😄 So it’s a bit unsettling to have so many options available when attempting to plan my life for 2018 without knowing where I will be working. First world problems; blessed to have them. But, problems nonetheless.
Some know how I used to rely so much on “signs” and trying to muster up “great faith” as ways to feel some measure of control over the future. After learning the hard way over and over, I think I’m finally leaving the miracles up to God’s discretion. And quit thinking I can foretell the future. How many times has He shown me His ways and thoughts are higher than mine? Thankfully.
There’s a tricky balance because I still believe He can do anything. And I still believe there are desires in our hearts that might be seeds of something greater. But I’m leaving behind what I now call the witchcraft. Just going to make practical decisions based on wisdom. Do my best and trust God with the rest. Living loved, but not lazy or crazy.
Probably a lot of people don’t agree with me. Especially those that are religious. I myself have run the whole gamut from name-it-and-claim-it to feeeeeeling like I’ve been “called” to do such-and-such or feeeeeeeling like I know what God is saying. Not so sure anymore. When I’m passionate about something, I throw my whole self into it. So I think I’ve sufficiently humiliated (and hopefully humbled) myself enough trying to go down that path over and over in the past to have learned a few things.
Haven’t lost my belief in God at all. Just putting extremely little faith in my ability to discern what He is thinking or doing beyond what He’s already told and shown us. Approaching God and life more like a child now. Doing my best to stumble along in limited understanding. Trusting that is somehow enough because I’m His kid and He loves me. Long before I knew or loved Him.
That being said, I’m ok with being corrected if I’m wrong. Enjoying newfound freedom from the taskmaster of perfectionism. For once in my life. Failure is not the end of me. Failure is not an indication of my value. Failure is at least an indication that I had the courage to live, to put myself out there. Failure is hopefully a growing opportunity. Learn from it, recalibrate, try again, and never give up.