Thankful so much for everyone’s prayers. After some cooking therapy yesterday, my mind settled down, my joy returned, and my mojo came back. Was in a much better place today. Very thankful. Had kind of a breakthrough yesterday evening:
Realized job hunting is emotionally exhausting in part because it is like dating. Opening yourself up to rejection over and over. Hits that shame button inside.
I was to the point where I wasn’t even eating almost at all. You know, that perfectionist sh!+. Like if I’m perfect then all will be well in the world. No more pain. Well, you’d think after almost 40 years of doing this that I’d have figured out that doesn’t work. But it’s like the final frontier of healing. Old habits die hard.
So the breakthrough came when I gave up. In a sense. I basically said I don’t have the energy to be perfect. And that’s just going to have to be ok. Because I can only give what I have to give. Just do my best and trust God. Because for once in my life I know He loves me.
Then this whole slew of insights opened up to me about related things. Like crap people have told me over the years. Like a former so-called good friend telling me my most redeemable quality is that I accept abuse. And another former so-called good friend telling me the only way my dream guy would be matched up with me is if he got me as punishment for something he did wrong.
All those “you are not enough”s. That $h!+ hurts. And seeps its way down into your soul. And you do all kinds of crap to outrun the shame you hide in. Unconsciously, like second nature. Times like job hunting just push all those defense mechanisms to the breaking point.
Realized I think the big lesson I’ve been learning for the last SEVEN years is deeper on that same level: All this time I’ve been trying to earn God’s love or His blessings. To be worthy. And I finally get it: He’s not like that. At all. I’m a slow learner. Or maybe I rather had too many years of wrong teaching/examples.
I was so excited when my brain was able to hold all of this and think about it last night. I decided to be bold and pray big prayers. Cause God is big and I’m His kid. Not because I deserve or have earned anything. I decided to ask for my dream jobs. And ask for my dream husband. Not perfect. Just perfect for me.
And just like I’m tired of trying to earn God’s love, I’m tired of trying to earn anyone else’s love. It’s not personal with people in work or dating. They don’t even know me. And even if so, my worth isn’t based on being liked. Some like vanilla, some chocolate, and I’m a bit more like rainbow sherbert. Not everyone’s cup of tea. So no more crying over rejection. Well, easier said than done, eh? But you get the point. I want the people who want me. Doesn’t mean be lazy. Means being ok with being my best me. Not trying to be anybody else.
Ever since I was a kid I prayed I could be like Enoch. I’ve wanted to be that close to God. Always found it intriguing that there is almost nothing written about Enoch in the whole Bible. Yet he is one of what, only two people to get taken up without dying. I mean – whoa?!?! Job gets what, 40+ chapters and he died a regular death. But my man, Enoch.
Well I had an epiphany last night. All that is said is Enoch walked with God. Remember The Garden? That’s how it was designed to be all along. That is life. Just walking with God. That’s how it was before everything got messed up. It’s not about performing or pretending. Such a simple freeing thought. I was so thankful. Probably not explaining it well but that hope just filled me with so much joy. Really is a light and easy load.
What would you do if you knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that you were loved? The kind of love that would chase you down the darkest farthest road to bring you back? The kind of love that doesn’t ask you to do and rejoices to see you be? Children of a most high King indeed.
I jammed out to some music. Enjoyed the beautiful kiss of this morning’s sunset. Soaked in the love of beautiful people God has put in my life. Ate and thoroughly enjoyed some good food today. And decided to share this for anyone who can relate.