Ugh. Less than four hours of sleep with a very long and full day ahead of me. Why won’t my brain let me sleep?!?! Questions not properly answered do not go away.

I so badly want answers. There is an independence in having the right answers. And validation. Without answers I am floundering. My everythings unsure and hanging in the balance.

And yet the more I dig, the more questions I find. Why God?!

We are so conditioned to believe right answers are the holy grail, the way forward. A worship of sorts. Like we go to God as just a spiritual ATM.

What if He views the outcome differently than us? What if He is way more interested in relationship?

Like we have access to The Creator of the entire immeasurable universe and the best we can come up with is asking Him how to get from point A to point Z?

Like He is in conversation with us. The GOD. Have you studied the solar system? I can’t even hold all of it in my mind. We are so small. And yet that Creator is so close and pursuing conversation.

And still I remain fearfully oriented and reduce nearly every moment to passing a test.
To use a very inadequate example in order to make it more relatable, it would be like if Beethoven or Michelangelo or Gandhi or Martin Luther King came to your house and said, “I want us to be friends. What would you like to talk about?” And all you could come up with was, “What will make you happy? What will make you stay? How can I please you so you won’t leave me?” And they’re like, “You don’t get it. I already know who you are. I meant what I said and I’m here to stay. What would you like to do?” And we just can’t get past our own inadequacies to enjoy the gift that is already ours.

What if I’m not getting answers because I’m not asking the right questions? What if I’m not expected to be independent? What if the outcome doesn’t match up with what most people define as successful? What if the point is to be in relationship and conversation more than to win or be “right”?

I imagine people who have been married for a long time and people with children already know and can better explain what I think I’m grabbing hold of in the darkness of my limited understanding.

Messing with my entire value system. My life. My world. Me, the former quality assurance analyst.

Not sharing answers. Just sharing my thoughts.

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