Man, sometimes life can really test our “never give up” muscles, eh? Can I be honest? Lately I’ve been sick of wearing the Never Give Up shirt. Because it seems so trite in the face of so much suffering.

The only reason I keep on is (1) I need the encouragement, (2) I know it resonates sometimes with others, and (3) because I realize now, after trying for so many years, that I can give up. What?! Yep, I can give up.

I can give up on me. I can give up on other people. I can give up on this world. BUT, I can’t give up on Him. ☝ That’s the only One I can’t give up on.

Believe me, there are more and more days where my faith gets down to the last drop, the last crumb of manna. Like, where are You?!

But I couldn’t believe, I couldn’t stick around in this mess, if I hadn’t experienced Him cover the distance between me and Him time and time again.

Today was one of those days. I had a long to-do list. I took the day off from work to catch up with the rest of my life. But I checked the news, and after the past weeks, months, years, it was just too much. I don’t want to go on a rant so I’ll leave it at that.

Suffice to say I didn’t move from my living room chair all day. I tried. Even while wearing the stupid shirt. But I couldn’t find the heart to do life today. I suspect a period of mourning is probably in order for all that has happened recently. I just fell into it and zoned out on distractions that only mildly dulled the narrative running through my mind.

Finally around 9pm, the nudge: “Talk to Me.” I ignore. “I AM right here. Tell me.” I was so tired. I stopped. I just laid there and poured out my anger, grief, and frustration.

No judgement. No “stop crying, get it together, and pull up your bootstraps”. Just the realization that I am not too sensitive. This is a giant mess and people are hurting all over and my tears and anger and grief are more than ok.

And then the simplest comfort, I felt like Elijah: “You are hot, go turn down the AC. You are hungry, go eat. You are thirsty, go drink some water.” I pulled myself up from the couch and shuffled dutifully over to the kitchen. Moping all the way.

Crying as I cooked dinner. This isn’t how we are supposed to be!!!! “You weren’t built to carry all of this. Live in this moment. Only this moment.” I’m called to love, and for that matter – be loved.

My favorite chapter, 2 Chronicles 20, came to mind again: stand still and see. Over and over we are told not to fear, not to be afraid, not to dismay. Remember our brothers, Joshua and Caleb.

Back to my favorite 2 Chronicles 20, then the least likely course of action is taken as they face certain annihilation: they send the singers out in front of the army. And as they sang praises of worship, that is when He set the ambushes against the bad people.

So I turned up the music as I finished cooking. First song: “Trust in You” by Anthony Brown: “You did not create me to worry, You did not create me to fear… so I’mma leave it all right here”.

Sigh. Easier said than done, eh? How easily I forget. And yet as I type this, for anyone else who is feeling similar, so many times came to mind where I know that I know that He has not left me alone.

Too many questions. Not the least of which is: but what if we don’t see the answers we think are good on this earth during this lifetime? No easy answers. Those conversations are for another time. But just because I don’t understand, doesn’t mean He isn’t good. If I hadn’t experienced it personally over and over, I wouldn’t believe it just because someone said so. So not trying to say it’s easy.

Just wanted to share for anyone who can relate.

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