I drove through an area of thick new tree growth. Beautiful. I was reminded that the area was completely decimated a few years ago by a wildfire that billowed into the sky like a scene from the apocalypse.
A whisper to my soul: “I am allowing parts of your world to burn to the ground right now. This is not an indication of your worth, value, or performance. There will be new life.”
Further down the road I see huge tall majestic pine trees that tower over the road. My heart feels like it will burst from taking in so much beauty.
Again the whisper: “You have been so long in one place that you have forgotten that anything else is possible. There is a whole other big world out there.”
Kindness. Let’s start there. But entertaining hope feels like looking at the sun. Such bright light is painful inside our wounds.
There is no security in thinking it depends on me. Remember His character. Remember how I have experienced Him. Just because I don’t know how to explain the bad stuff doesn’t mean He is bad.
Success is measured in minutes. Manna. Keeps me close. Probably another of my prayers being answered.
Like when I prayed along with the lyrics: “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.”
Can I take back those prayers? And yet nothing else satisfies.
The only hope I have is that He won’t give me up. “I AM.”
Then a car accident. The temptation: “You can’t trust Him.”
He lets me try to build my ladders again. He stands with me as I work furiously. As it all falls down. He is right there. So close. Then I remember again that I was welcome all along.
These days I call it magic. Witchcraft. When I convince myself that if I do XYZ then He will do 123. Now I understand the rich young ruler: “Just tell me what I have to do? I’ve tried everything. I still can’t hear You.”
He loved the rich young ruler. He loves me. I’m learning to be the children running to Him. I’m learning to be the blind men with nothing to offer.
Another drive. All planned out. I check and recheck the map. But when I head out I run into traffic. Frustrated. It speaks to another thing being burned up: “How can you expect us to get this right when You haven’t preserved a perfect copy for us?”
Was my faith not in Him but in my ability to interpret and perform correctly? No wonder I had no security! How is that good news?!
I think I see now. Is my faith in the map or is my faith in Who the map points to? One is about control. The other involves trust.
I need Him to be bigger than me. “I AM.”