I am so happy. Mainly that for the first time in a month, he and I talked like we usually talk. It wasn’t like that until the end of the conversation but it was so worth swallowing my pride and surrendering to God.

And I know God is the only One who made this happen. He gave me favor with him and pushed me to humble myself.

But the best part was that he at the very end initiated praying together. That was the only thing I wanted. That was like the sweetest music to my ears and heart. That was what I had asked GOD for. For him to initiate prayer. And God was so good to me in blessing me with that. That was right up there with F1 tickets. My heart’s desire.

I really want to work for this man. Not only because I love him and don’t want to lose him. But because I know he is a gift from God to me. And I don’t want to take that for granted or lightly.

I was so happy to hear him say he wanted to take care of himself right now. That is what I have been hoping and praying for him for so long. That he would feel that freedom.

I feel like I hear him and God saying indirectly that I need to stop pouring my needs onto him. Take my neediness to God. And instead be a true helper and help to him. Like Dave Ramsey says, stop being a princess and be a real woman for him. A mature fighter, not a spoiled brat.

And he has spoiled me in some senses for the past two years. And I have a sneaking suspicion he’ll love me the way I want to be loved if I can get over myself and put God and him first.

But I’m here to be a helpmate first. Not a fixer. Not a changer. Not his conscience. Not the Holy Spirit police. His helpmate. What does that look like? For now it means giving him time and space and not making demands of him.

Just like I asked God for him to initiate prayer, and God granted that very important request, I need to ask God for things from him. Not make demands of him. And then trust God to move like I saw Him do these past few hours.

I think roles are going to reverse in a sense. He has been there for me as I’ve worked my tail off these past two years. I sense he is now going to be entering a season of working a lot and I need to support him. Be supportive of him. A blessing to him, not a burden. Not selfish. Just thinking about me.

And trust God. That eventually I will reap what I desire after sowing. No promises or guarantees how that reaping will be manifested. I hope it will manifest as him desiring me in all ways as his wife and loving me in all ways. But even that I have to let go and lay at Jesus’ feet. God knows best no matter the outcome.

But I so love and enjoy this man and hope he is the one for me and me for him. My heart is so full with him. He feels like my other half. My missing piece.

The time we don’t spend together, I need to honor him and God by using to improve myself for him and God. Not be lazy. Not be undisciplined.

I feel strongly in this new season that I must wait for him to initiate contact and be pleasant with him when he does. Not needy.

And listen to him and enjoy him and respect him by letting him lead and following his lead. That last part being the most difficult for me. But probably the most necessary.

I want him to change for me, how can I not do the same for him? For God? He needs a woman to hold and be sexual with. I want that to be me as his wife. Am I willing to put in the work to change me? Am I willing to sacrifice? Really he and God have been quite patient with me. It’s been way past go time. Way past game time. He’s only asking for something that’s good for me.

But will I put in the work? Just like fasting and praying. How much is he worth to me? I want him to desire me but I’m not willing to do anything to make that happen? I want him to love me before that. He already has. So clearly. Heck, he spent three hours on the phone until one in the morning with me last night. And that’s a drop in the bucket. J says guys don’t do that if they don’t care.

Oh I am so happy to have hope!

This is something I was wondering after we talked last night. Maybe God used this to show him that I’m willing to fight for him, unlike what I’ve deduced from what he told me about K. It sounds like she was ok with letting him walk away. I am not. By a long shot. Thankfully she did for my sake. And not any disrespect towards her. She sounds like a great Christian woman.

Maybe that’s how this was all supposed to turn out anyway. But maybe me being stubborn and not just accepting our friendship going away will speak to his heart. More than my words. I need to show him love by actions. Not by words. He doesn’t hear my words as well as he hears my actions.

What is he asking for? What is he communicating he needs? I hear his main request being a stand-up strong feminine woman he can marry and have sex with. That’s what I want to be anyway.

And he’s asking for time and space. Which I can use to handle and work on my own business.

And he’s asking me to work on what he’s asked for the housebuilding.

I feel like I have to and God is asking me to put my name on the line for him. For God as an act of trust in God. Do I believe this relationship with him is God’s work? Yes. Then I have to put my money where my mouth is. My money being my future in a professional sense.

I ask God to help me love him. And what if this is the answer? I’m sure it is. It requires great faith in God from my perspective of me. It’s a breaking down of barriers I have up for protection. It’s as big as saying I’m going to marry you. It’s a huge commitment and surrender of control.

To say, “Ok God, I’m going to give up control and follow him. And trust that You love me and him enough to help us through whatever problems happen. To Your glory. Not my comfort or convenience or glory.”

Because what I want is a guarantee from God that He will protect him from business failure. But God doesn’t promise me that. He promises to help me through whatever happens. That is all.

What if business failure is good for him? Maybe to learn some things. Or to bring glory to God through some kind of testimony?

Or most humbling that I don’t want to believe, what if business failure is good for me to learn some things? I hope not. I hope I will learn in less painful ways.

I was still trying to protect myself by saying I’ll send the investor question letter referencing him as the business. Instead of us as the business. But I feel God asking me to start now. Start with “we” now.

My other option being I can drag this lesson out as long as I want. But he might not be there. God is well able to find someone better than me for his wife. And even if I am the best, letting him go for second best isn’t going to make me feel good for him either.

Just like with N. What if I was the best for her? And I lost her through unbelief? And she ends up with people who don’t protect her? And she gets hurt? I feel like I might have to answer for that as well.

Same with MH.

Same with D.

These choices of unbelief have very real consequences.

Oh Lord, I pray for Your forgiveness for my unbelief and wickedness. You have done so much for me. Just like him. Even more so with You.

Please help me. I can’t do this without You.

Thank You so much for blessing me so much. In Your name I pray Jesus. For him. For us. Thank You!