I don’t want to resist You.

Father, I thank You. I’m scared. But I don’t want to resist You. I apologize for breaking the fast. I want to start again tomorrow.

Please help me to submit if I need to submit. Please protect me from being abused and used unless it is Your will for Your glory.

Please help me not talk about him. Or anyone else. If I can’t say anything good then don’t say anything at all? It’s probably my fault he even hangs out with B. Because I told him what she said. I regret that immensely. Please, please help me to shut my mouth.

I pray for our conversation. Please help me be humble, kind, loving, and wise. I pray You would be with us.

Please help us pray if it be Your will. You know I will lead but I don’t want to. I want him to lead.

Please help me not be too whatever it is. You know how confused I am. How do I still believe he is the one for me yet act like he’s not without being a liar? I don’t want him to feel manipulated. I don’t want to change him. Please help me not do that. I want You to change him.

I do want him to love me and like me. I do want to feel safe. I don’t feel those things from him now. Please help me not to get bitter. Please help me to turn to You for those things.

I’m so confused, Father. I thought love was when two people wanted each other. It feels pushy and selfish and demeaning to love someone as in a ministering way. I don’t want him to feel like a project. Or me either for that matter.

Is it just that love says, “I choose to love you when you are being a jerk because I believe more for you? I know you are having a bad time and I don’t want you to leave me and stop loving me if the roles were reversed?”

Oh Lord, I don’t want to mess this up but I know I already have. I thank You for breaking through my stubbornness and softening my heart. Please, please don’t let me harden my heart towards You most of all and then others.

Please help me to love and be wise at the same time. Love means sometimes saying no. Do I have permission from You to say no to my husband? To the man I believe You are preparing me for? Please help me understand. I hate wounding us, even as friends.

Thank You for the wonderful first two years with him. They were amazing. They help me believe You have a plan. And this wasn’t all for nothing. And You have bigger plans. And will see us through this storm. And maybe these writings can help some other couple someday.

Please help me respect him saying he needs time and space and we are never going to get married. I don’t want to be a stalker. I want to let go and have You be the only one to put us together. I have to know it’s You and not me pushing this train. Please help me believe and still respect him. I know You did it for A so I know You can do it for him and I.

I pray You will please help me rebuild trust with him and Calvary Chapel San Antonio. Please help me to tithe and know how much. And to serve and to know how much.

I pray for Dr. R. For his foot, his relationship with his son, and his relationship with his wife.

I pray for S and her granddaughters.

I pray for Dr. H and H.

I pray You would please help me do what You need me to do and not be a man-pleaser.

I pray for my biological mother, brother, and biological father.

I pray for P and her family.

And my extended biological family.

Please, please be in this conversation with him, Father. We need You.

In Your name I pray, Jesus. Thank You.

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