It’s not fine.

Well, I emailed him an apology. Of course he still isn’t cool with me, which is fine. I still have lots to work on.

I mean, it’s not fine. But I think God has us apart so at least I can make some life changes.

Our time before was healing. We were both recovering from heartaches.

But I think we are entering a new season. Where at least I am working. A season of working. Not just at my job. But so many other things need to get finished. Trying to play catchup first. Then work on long term goals.

I don’t think it’s good to be a pushover. That’s what I did the first time. I need boundaries. He didn’t respect me before.

I need to leave him alone. Until his birthday. I’ll send him a happy birthday text. Hopefully he will acknowledge receiving it. And not be totally rude and ignore me. That’s only ten days from now.

I’m still hurt that he didn’t tell me happy birthday on my birthday.

He can be incredibly stubborn and self-centered. I personally hope all his b.s. comes to bite him in the butt and he gets to eat some humble pie.

He took my niceness for weakness. He took me for granted.

I called him on his mess and he couldn’t take it. He still is focusing on making me the bad guy so he doesn’t have to feel his own mess.

I’m going to take Veronica’s advice and not get baited into arguments. Just say what I want to say, know my boundaries, and stand my ground.

Of course I want us to be cool and at least still be friends if we don’t get married. He’s cool for the most part. He just reacts violently to criticism because for all his bravado, I think he feels like a failure. I just wish as always that he would feel free to be successful in terms of worldly success. Ironically I think it’s his fear of success that keeps him performing very much below his potential. I think it’s a spiritual battle primarily.

I wish I could make him happy but I can’t. I tried for two years. He has to get his happiness himself. Settle his issues with God. I can’t do that for him. I tried really hard. It didn’t work.

If I thought he was a lost cause, I wouldn’t care as much as I do. I hate swallowing my pride and apologizing first. But I know he’s so stubborn he’ll never do it. If K is any proof. Maybe she is smarter than I. I don’t know.

I have to trust God to protect me. If we didn’t have such a good first two years, I wouldn’t put up with his crap. But I felt for two years like God was doing something. And then this happened. And I was ready to demonize him and walk away. But I feel challenged by God to believe. To not have little faith.

This truly is walking by faith because what I see says I’m crazy, delusional, and insane to think he and I will ever get married. He wants nothing to do with me. We are both hurt and mad.

I’m 300 pounds. He’s looking for 125 at the most probably. I’m looking for someone attentive and able and willing to support me financially. None of those are him right now.

But God. As so many times before, I feel Him pushing me forward.

I really struggle with this submission/boundaries issue. I’m confident that God will help me if I continue to seek Him. Something tells me there is wisdom in the middle. I think it’s bad to never tell someone no. I have to do whatever my husband says? Like a robot? Oh man, I need serious help in learning what submitting really means.

In the meantime I need to work on me. It would be really cool if we were apart for a while and I lost a bunch of weight and wowed him when he saw me again. And got my finances in order. Maybe I shouldn’t think of seeing him again until certain goals are met versus length of time.

If nothing else, it would be fun to see his reaction. To not need him. For him to respect me. For me to feel confident and happy with myself. For him to feel confident and happy with himself. For us to come back together out of a healthy place. Not a trauma bond. God has to change us or it’s never going to happen.

I need to leave him alone and focus on my work. Except for his birthday. I’ll text him.

Please Father, I pray he doesn’t ignore me that day. I ask forgiveness for my unbelief, Father. My little faith. Thank You for taking me on this journey and adventure. Thank You so much for him and I pray for us. Please help us both.

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