7/10/2015, 7:37 AM I wrote:

Good morning, J. You told me to be honest. Soooo, I’m up at 6:30am with thoughts… and risking being honest…

In my mind, seems kinda backwards to use the money from the lawyers to travel instead of paying off your debts. It sounds like you owe more to your creditors than the lawyers owe to you. So I’m scared that the same way you are fighting for money from them is the same way the Lord might allow your creditors to fight you.

I’m worried that your book won’t be blessed until you take care of that other unfinished business or at least start and commit in your mind, heart, and actions to finish the work of paying off those debts. I keep thinking of the verse in Psalm 37: “The wicked borrows and does not repay…”

And please believe I am preaching to myself. I’m convicted about even going to the movies and eating out when I have debt and taxes that I owe. And I need to do the same thing I’m thinking you should do. Buckle down and work my butt off to pay it off asap.

I feel like it’s a huge hindrance to me being married also. And maybe to you also. That’s a lot of stress to bring to a relationship. Bill collectors and such. Kinda puts a damper on the “honeymoon” period.

Just seems to me that using the money to travel is putting the cart before the horse in a way. I wonder if the Lord wouldn’t bless all that time and energy. I wonder if He would supernaturally bless it if first things were done first.

I hate to say it this way but I see it a little like Cain and Abel. Like writing the book for the glory of God before being obedient in the little things is saying, “I’ll bring my own sacrifice, thank You very much. I’ll choose the way I lay down my life. I’ll choose the cost of that which I offer to the Lord.”

I feel like God is even telling me: just do the simple acts of obedience first and then He can bless the big things we want to do for Him in His name.

I mean a book will bring an audience and critics. And if critics are looking to discredit you then they will dig into your personal life for sure. It’s one thing to sin and be able to show how we repented. People can respect that. But if they are able to find all this unpaid debt then it might cast a negative light on your testimony of the Lord. So I’m thinking even if you do finish the book before starting to pay off the debts then maybe He won’t let it be received as it could be otherwise.

Kinda like the Christian who insists on having sex before marriage. Yeah so they eventually got married in actions in the eyes of the Lord. But their hearts? I believe and have seen how compromising in the beginning just drags in a whole lot of problems that seem monumental to overcome later.

Seems so much sweeter to me to wait for the cake. 🙂 Literally and figuratively.

That’s why I am so passionate about saving intimate physical touch with my future husband for after the wedding. I don’t want to spoil it. I can’t go back and change what I did before. That’s already enough junk to overcome. But I have committed to the Lord to bring the best possible chances of a beautiful beginning to my future marriage by cleaning myself up as much as possible beforehand. 

He’s even used you to convict me on several things in that area. Cutting off unnecessary communication with men, cutting off communication with exes, cutting off communication with men who have hurt me. That’s all in preparation for Mr. Future Husband, whoever that may be. Every time I do those things I feel like I am behaving as if I am already a wife. As if I’m already married. Saying, “Look Lord, I’m being faithful in the smaller things. What’s next?”

I don’t have a lot of time to waste because if the Lord wants me to have kids, I only have a few more years left. I’d hate for it to be my laziness that cuts off that potential blessing. I’ve already wasted enough time.

I’m convicted big time in the area of health. That is my huge seemingly insurmountable mountain to overcome. It looks impossible but I can’t give up. I have to at least do my best. It’s not easy at all.

But my debt is a close second so please believe God will hold me accountable for these words. I just feel like He is telling me how can I expect Him to give me the marriage I want if I’m not faithful in the little things?

Sure, nobody is perfect. Sure, if I wanted to be married for the sake of being married, I could probably in my flesh be married within a week. Shacking up, the whole bit.

But I didn’t wait this long for that. I want the best for me now. Not perfect. But I want my work and marriage and life to be from the Lord and with as much of His blessing as possible.

So while I wait on Him I am trying to do my part. Clean up my life as much as possible in the meantime. He’s probably waiting on me, more like it.

It’s not that the Lord couldn’t give me what I want right now but I think He knows it would be bittersweet for me because I’m not in a place where I’d enjoy it as much as I could.

God has blessed you with a beautiful mind. For sure. You are very intelligent. I am pretty sure you can figure out how to succeed at whatever you decide to do. But I fear God will hold back the blessings if we don’t do it His way.

He keeps giving me the picture of a house. I don’t want to be married for the sake of being married. I could have had that a long time ago. I want that true love stuff. I still believe in that. The kind of marriage where when one spouse dies, the other follows in a day or two. Where the hearts are knit together by the Lord. The real deal.

I am totally convicted and convinced that requires a strong foundation. Christ obviously is the cornerstone. But all these little day to day decisions build the foundation. Every time I choose to pay off my debt versus indulging in instant gratification, I’m building that foundation. Every time I choose not to watch something that I shouldn’t watch then I’m building that foundation. Every time I choose to lay down the calories or exercise, I’m building that foundation.

I’ve always valued quality over quantity. Same with marriage. I feel like God is saying, “Ok, you want to be a wife, act like it now.”

I feel like He’s saying the same thing with money. If I want more then first handle what He’s already given me. First be responsible with the small amount I have now.

I am so tired of this lesson. I am so ready to graduate and move on. And yet I know I have more work to do. Budget, plan, etc.

I do NOT want to live my life out at R’s with the AC on 81. I am grateful for her and this room at the same time as I am completely humiliated and ashamed to be here. If that makes sense.

But it is what it is. I think as a Christian, God is going to hold me to a higher standard for my own good. I want Him to know I’m ready to move on. I need to do better before He blesses me with more.

I feel like it may be a similar situation for you. With marriage and money. Etc. I could be wrong. Hopefully I’m not being Job’s friends. But you told me to be honest so I’m risking sharing my thoughts.

As always, I’m interested in your honest feedback. Give it to me straight. I can take it.

Still friends?

You wrote:

🙂 It’s all talk and planning at the moment.

The money, if I am paid, would first be used to make money. That was the reason for the debt to begin with. It would be foolish to take the money that is collected and just pass it on to the creditors. It would leave me empty handed. Use the money to create money. Then return it with interest.

Business first, fun later. The idea with travel is for it to make money. It is a long shot, therefore [business idea] or some other endeavor first. Then, while making money and having some residual income travel.

I wrote:

Ok. Just thought I should share my thoughts. My apologies if I’m out of line or off base.

Ugh. Just realized I’m probably doing that black and white thing again. With the debt & money. Siiiiigh. Should have probably just kept my mouth shut and prayed more.

You wrote:

It’s good to ask questions.

The black/white can complicate matters. For example, debt. Don’t do it, but sometimes the alternative isn’t realistic or too difficult.

If you got a chunk of change right now, what would be best to do? Pay off the debts or open a business? I’m referring to your situation. What would be the wise thing to do?

Yesterday I spoke a lot about travel, but that is secondary – primary as a goal, secondary in attacking the problem. Or somewhere down the line.

I can’t drop everything and leave because enough came for the tickets. That would be stupid, which at times does define me.

I wrote:

I’m starting to see your point. And understand why my little efforts at stuffing everything into the black box or the white box hasn’t worked that well for me thus far. Thank you for your patience and explaining it to me. I’m starting to understand.

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