I need a verse.

I get these moments where that old sarah creeps back in. The fighter. I want to take matters into my own hands. And express my anger towards everyone. I want to tell them off.

I don’t think I’m a chicken because I don’t sign up to die on every hill. If anything I’m more scared of the destruction i could do with my anger. But it doesn’t ever seem like GOD blesses me when i choose to go to war with people for the express purpose of making them feel the pain that their actions have on other people. I seem to always lose.

It is such a hard thing to sit back in silence. I feel sometimes like i’m going to explode. Like my mouth is full of blood from biting my tongue.

I wonder are these tests to take away my pride? Surely i am no better. I must remember that. I don’t always think so. I hold on so tightly to the delusion that i am better than a lot of people. Slowly, mercifully, GOD has been putting me in my place. I’m thankful even if it hurts and i sometimes feel like i’m going to choke on the next slice of humble pie.

It really is hardest with people that have caused me pain. I’d like to think i’m better than them and i deserve some kind of award. but i’m not and i don’t.

GOD has been showing me that i need to let Him fight my battles.

And i need to stop letting other people set the standard for my behavior. I shouldn’t be measuring down like: “oh well at least i’m better than so and so in this way.” i should be reaching up to GOD’s standards. Not because i’m trying to earn anything. Mainly because He is holy.

I don’t want to be like the wicked servant in the Bible who was forgiven a debt and then went out and did not forgive those that owed him. I read words like: if they ask for this then don’t hold back that. And: go the extra mile. And: do not resist when someone wants to borrow. But then i read about the wise virgins who did not give to the foolish.

I know in my own life He hasn’t given me every single thing. so that i could avoid all the pain or consequences of my actions. I surely have not recieved what i deserved in the form of punishment for my wicked ways that most people do not know about.

So do we help people only when it serves a purpose? Isn’t that judging them? Or is that just using good discernment?

Am i holding back because I don’t believe GOD will restore to me what i give to people who ask of me? I mean when do we stop? Do we keep giving to our own hurt?

JESUS gave His life to us when we didn’t deserve it. Am i supposed to do the same to others? Where is the line?

In the taxi i got to the point where i didn’t worry about the money. I realized that it was GOD putting every single person in my path. So if they paid then GOD was supplying my needs. And if they didn’t pay then i figured GOD put me in that place at that time to give them a free ride. It sounds crazy to our capitalistic brains. But it worked and i had so much more peace. I could sit back and relax and talk to people and enjoy their company instead of always trying to protect and defend myself. GOD was my dispatcher no matter how much the people in the office felt like they were in control. I didn’t have to lie, cheat, steal, and bribe to get by.

I failed at that job because the problem was me and my lack of discipline. By the time i was open to learning the lesson, i had already dug my financial grave.

And i’m grateful that i was not successful in that job. I had too many bad experiences. But i can honestly say that GOD kept me safe. When people were throwing rocks at my taxi. And punching the mirrors. i drove away unharmed. I was never assaulted when men would threaten me. I was touched, but nobody ever took control away from me. Thank GOD for always bringing me home safe every night.

So i say: “sarah, why not do the same with the rest of your life?”

It’s a scary spot. It demands faith. And it appears to others that you have lost your mind.

And the worst is when those people think they are playing you as weak. I hate that. I hate when people take my kindness for weakness. That is probably the hardest for me.

Ungrateful people are a close second. But if i focus on them then i’ll start getting off course. I should be focused on my own hypocritical wicked heart that takes GOD’s kindness for weakness and is ungrateful to GOD.